


Aftermath

by friendlydeathray



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Childhood Sexual Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Hallucinations, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recreational Drug Use, Suicidal Thoughts, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-30 23:56:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20455679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/friendlydeathray/pseuds/friendlydeathray
Summary: What happened after the events of Season 3 specifically with Justin's addiction and his revelation of childhood sexual abuse. Missing scenes!!





	Aftermath

After Clay returned home from his arrest everything that had been paused seemed to press play again, just like that… as if nothing had happened. It’s funny how life has a way of doing that – of snapping back into movement after something disrupts its course. But there was an element of the uncanny to life now, a sense that everything was the same and yet slightly different. Clay sat on his bed across from Justin and they stared at each other, shocked that they were right back here in this room after thinking everything was about to change for good. After listening to Bryce’s tape and after Jessica had left, Justin was feeling like a raw nerve. He had admitted to the entire school and to Jessica what had happened to him and it had brought the trauma freshly to the surface again and everything that was happening around them couldn’t help but be triggering. Bryce, Tyler, everyone discussing sexual assault after Jess’s #MeToo assembly moment. It was a weird feeling now that he had let the Genie out of the Bottle, this secret he had kept so buried and silent within him, it had become real. He had so long ago cut it off and cauterized the wound that it always felt as if it were a story that happened to someone else, and all the behaviours in himself that were clearly affected by it, had instead seemed random, unprovoked, characteristic of an innate personality issue that he could use to hate himself with. But now that he had identified it and pulled it forward it was clear that the trauma was ruling him more than he ever knew.

“Are you okay?” Clay said, pulling Justin to focus.

“Not really… you?”

“Not really.”

They looked at each other for a moment then burst into laughter.

“God what the fuck” Justin chuckled, “I don’t know why we’re laughing”

“We’re exhausted” Clay sighed.

They settled back into silence again. Justin could feel that murmur of anxiety crawl up that told him it was time for another hit, his stomach flopped over itself and he could feel himself standing without directing it, and moving towards the bathroom. Clay watched him go, knowing what he was about to do.

“I think you need to tell my parents dude” Clay said. He could hear Justin’s quiet preparations in the bathroom, he wasn’t bothering too much to hide it as Clay already knew what he was doing anyway.

Justin came back into the room sniffling and twitchy. He had been snorting it if he needed a quick hit when he was around other people and only had a couple of minutes to spare. He smoked or shot up when he had more time, like first thing in the morning, then after everyone went to sleep, as well as when he had some time alone during the day. He sat back down on his bed but struggled to make eye contact with Clay again, he felt so fucking guilty.

“Why do you do it… do you think?” Clay asked quietly.

“What? Drugs?” Justin almost laughed, “Uh… I don’t know… I get this like… this really fucking shitty feeling inside me and get a compulsion to shut it off I think, like if I don’t do something about the feeling I’ll just die”

“Is it like anxiety or something? The feeling?” Clay seemed to be genuinely curious.

“I don’t think so” Justin shrugged, “it’s just… I dunno”

There’s a big pause and Justin knows what Clay wants to ask him.

“Do you think it has something to do with… I mean… are you okay? like with what you said at Jessica’s assembly?” he said gingerly, “you don’t have to tell me anything about it if you don’t want, but I’m here for you if you do”

Justin forced himself to take a quick look up from his hands to Clay’s face, “I uh… I told Jessica while we were waiting in the police station when you got arrested” he said, “I felt like such an asshole that I hadn’t told her earlier considering everything but I thought she just needed her own space to heal you know? Like if I said I was sexually abused as a kid when she had just been raped by Bryce it would have been selfish, right? It would sound like I was making excuses for what I did.”

“So it happened when you were a child?” Clay redirected the conversation a little, “I mean I think me and my parents always knew there was some kind of physical abuse and neglect or something because it was in your file… vaguely… but what actually happened?”

Justin hesitated for a second, “god sorry, you know what, don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, I shouldn’t have….” Clay backtracked.

“No, no it’s cool man, I uh…I should tell you…” Justin took a breath, and kind of chuckled to himself, like _well here goes! _

“So uh my mom had this junkie boyfriend who lived with us on and off from when I was 5 until I was about 7 or 8… he uh… they used to get fucked up, when my mom would pass out in the other room he would come to mine and…shit” he paused, he was crying already, _AGAIN! _God, he wondered how many times it would take before he could tell this story without crying and feeling himself going back there, to that time and place where he felt small and ashamed.

“And he started by touching me… there… then making me touch him… and he would be hard…” he breathed on that note, the guys hardness had always stuck in his mind for some reason, just the sight of it, the feeling of it, the sudden realisation that it meant something that he didn’t yet understand as a 5 year old. He continued shakily, “and then he started jerking off while he shoved his fingers in and out of my mouth and… other holes… and then it kinda just kept going” Justin steadied himself.

“Oh Jesus Justin, what the fuck… that’s….” that was all Clay could say at first, Justin was really crying now but Clay wasn’t sure if he should go and comfort him or if the closeness would be inappropriate in that moment, “how long did that go on?” he said instead.

“all the time when he was living with us” Justin tried to hold back a splutter of sobs but his chin wobbled and gave way to it. He put his head in his hands… he thought to himself just how fucking bizarre it was that he was telling this story now after years of hiding it. He felt disgusting, broken, like he was pitiable and would never be looked at the same by anyone – they’d all see him as the junkie kid with the fucked up childhood… what a cliché.

“what a…. Fuck! Shit!” Clay bit out, he felt angry “how could someone do that, I don’t understand”

Clay stood up and paced for a moment, he wanted to punch the guy who did this to Justin. But when he looked back at him and saw he still seemed choked, as if he had more to say, he paused –

“Wait did something else happen?” he said.

Justin felt seen, as if he was totally undone, “uh yeah I guess, but it’s my fault I put myself there with my fucking choices so… nah it’s…”

“What do you mean… I really don’t think it could possibly be your fault” Clay sat down beside Justin now.

“Um… just, while I was on the street I had to –“ he stopped himself, “fuck, no sorry I can’t… you’re going to think I’m fucking disgusting” he sobbed hard again.

“No I wont I promise” Clay said softly.

After a moment of breathlessness Justin sighed and collected his thoughts, before rushing out the story, as if he slowed down he would never get it out, “when I was on the streets I needed money to buy drugs and guys used to tell me they’d give me money to do things with them, one day I was just desperate enough to say yes… Then there were a few times where the guy… uh” he cleared his throat to push it out, “they would do stuff that I hadn’t agreed to, that I was saying no to in the moment, but I was weak… like I was surviving on fucking heroin basically so… they would just sort of take what they wanted” he let out a sharp breath, “you think I’m disgusting right, I’m literally a fucking heroin rent boy”

“I have to admit that sounds just about as low as anyone could be in life, and I only mean that I’m not going to deny that that’s a fucking horrible thing to have to go through but I definitely don’t think you’re disgusting… the people that did all that to you are disgusting.”

“Yeah well” Justin felt exhausted now.

“How many times did that happen?” Clay asked, “that the guy took it further than agreed?”

“I dunno a bunch of times” Justin muttered, “I was just doing handjobs okay? I would just kinda close my eyes and pretend I was wanking myself off or something so it wasn’t… but … I uh… there were like couple times the guy like pinned me down and put his fingers up my ass and would blow his load all over me, another guy went all the way with uh you know, shit” he couldn’t say it, “I had started thinking about what happened to me as a kid again, I was totally there all over again…. And after what Bryce did and then with Seth attacking me and Jess hating me I had been thinking a lot about what happened growing up anyway and then that shit happened on the street and my head was even worse… so I just kept going harder on the drugs to shut my head up and then I needed money to do that so it just kinda spirals…” he couldn’t talk about this anymore he realised.

Clay nodded despite the fact he could not imagine how Justin felt.

“Why didn’t you ever tell anyone” he asked, he knew it was a stupid question but still.

“Embarrassed” Justin whispered.

They sat in silence for a minute until Clay proclaimed, “I promise Justin I will always be there for you, if you need to talk, if you’re feeling triggered or you’re not feeling in control, I’m here. You’re my brother for real, not just on paper, you know that right?”

Justin looked at him for real now, he searched his face for any hint of a lie or pity, but it wasn’t there, “yeah I know that. You too” he smiled, he felt warmth filling him from his love for Clay, he had never known what it felt like to have a family, to have people who supported and loved you.

“Fuck” he laughed, “god I can’t believe I just told you all that shit” he laughed even harder now.

“How can you be laughing!” Clay chuckled.

Tyler’s exhibition at Monet’s had felt like celebration of survival. After telling Clay and Jess everything Justin felt closer to them than ever. They sat in the comfy sofa and talked about wanting more in life. Justin wasn’t sure he’d ever get it… but he thought maybe he could finally try to. The only issue was that he hadn’t been feeling any better since coming out about his experiences, in fact he’d been feeling a lot worse. He started using more and could feel his tenuous control over his own brain slowly unravelling. Everything was raw and painful like he was going through it all over again.

“I think I need to tell your parents everything” Justin said to Clay.

And he did.

It came blurting out over Thanksgiving.

They cleared the Thanksgiving mess in an almost silence. The rest of the day had been pleasant and upbeat, although somewhat tinged in a teary-eyed sense of true gratitude – the kind one has when you have recently realised what you could lose. But once Tony and Caleb had left all artifice of joviality was dropped and Justin’s dining table bombshell returned to focus. They moved around each other in their own worlds, somewhat savouring the peace and quiet before the inevitable family conversation started up. Lainie placed the last dish in the shelf as Matt poured himself a tea, they both made quick eye contact and she took a sharp breath – Justin prepared himself for the conversation. 

“So Justin” she started, as she wandered towards where he taken a seat in the living room, “do you feel up to having a chat about what you said at the table earlier?”

He nodded sombrely, he knew he was going to have to speak about it when he brought it up, better to bite the bullet now than wait and lose his nerve.

Matt and Lainie both settled into the sofas with him and Clay hovered to the side.

“How long has this been going on” Matt asked, his voice soft but clearly disappointed.

“Um. I started using again in Juvie and haven’t really stopped since then” Justin muttered.

Clay grimaced, it pained him to think that he could have missed the signs considering they shared a room. Justin really had become his brother over the past few months so his blindness made Clay feel as if he had failed him somehow.

“How the fuck have you managed to hide it” Clay blurted out, “sorry… I just don’t understand how I missed it”

Justin looked at him, feeling that Clay was hating on himself, “It’s not your fault Clay, I’m just good at hiding it”

“We should have kept pushing it when you stopped going to meetings but you were doing well in school and sports, it just…” Lainie sighed, “seemed like you were better”

“That’s what scares me” Matt muttered.

There was a heavy pause in the conversation as they all considered the fact that Justin fundamentally couldn’t be trusted.

“I thought you wouldn’t want me anymore if you found out” Justin said finally, close to a whisper. The Jensen’s looked at each other pitifully – Justin really thought they would throw him out just like that?

“We would never do that, we would never not want you, ok? We knew your struggles before we offered to adopt you” Lainie reached out to touch his arm to reassure him, "Justin I am so proud of you that you admitted to us what's been going on, that takes a lot of courage. And it's not your fault, it is a disease and it doesn't just go away without treatment"

Justin knew this, deep down he knew… but at the same time there was this part of his brain that told him he was a piece of shit that no one truly wanted.

“We need to do this properly this time Justin. We should have dealt with it differently the first time we found out but with all the drama with Hannah and Bryce…” he sighed and trailed off. Justin was crying silently now. He hated himself so deeply for putting them through this, it was so fucking embarrassing.

“I’m going to call the Addiction Centre and ask for advice” Lainie said as she got up to find her phone, “Matt I think you should search the boy’s room”.

As she disappeared into the study Matt turned to Justin expectantly.

“Come on, let’s go get rid of everything” he said quietly.

Justin handed over most of his supply voluntarily, hoping that would persuade Matt enough to stop a further search. But when Matt did the search anyway Justin could feel himself welling up with tears again, Matt was going to know how bad he was, what a liar he was, just how much they couldn’t trust him_. Why didn’t I just hand it all over to him, now he’s never going to trust me again, _he thought to himself, and with that he burst with a splatter of hard tears. Both Clay and Matt looked at him shocked by the sudden waterworks. Moments later Matt found the stash and they both realised the reason for the tears.

“Is this the last of it” Matt asked him sternly. Justin nodded.

Matt left the boys alone in their room to go and talk to Lainie with a pile of heroin clasped in his palms.

Justin lay back on his bed and let out a wounded sigh.

“fucking hell, I think I might actually have to get clean this time”

Clay snorted, “yeah dude I think so”

“I want to tell them about the rest of it” Justin said

“I think you should do it now”

Justin breathed in and held it, he tried to think of how he could push the words out for a third time.

“Can _you_ do it?” Justin said, he felt like a little child asking, “I don’t think I could tell that story again”

Clay wasn’t sure, he considered Justin for a moment and could see in his eyes that he was being serious. Clay nodded finally and stood up, leaving the room without a word to go and tell them the story. He could remember each word, they were seared into his brain.

His parents listened with horrified faces to the entire story. Lainie burst into tears halfway and sobbed throughout the rest of it, Clay wasn’t sure he’d ever seen his mother cry. Matt was stone faced and furious, he couldn’t comprehend how someone could do that to a child.

While Justin waited alone (_who’s idea was that?)_ he felt himself itch with the need to use, he was crawling all over like there were bugs just under his skin… actually he thought maybe he really saw one just there, moving about under the skin of this forearm.

“Shit shit shit” he muttered, trying to force himself to breath, his body was starting to panic, this was the part where it thought it would die if it didn’t get some drugs in it _RIGHT NOW._

It wasn’t long before he found himself downtown where always scored, in a dark alleyway, face to face with the devil, the snake had entered the garden. He needed to shoot it, he needed to feel something hard and fast, his heart was beating out of his chest and his hands were shaking, he hadn’t felt this frantic to use in ages… and it was weird because it wasn’t like he’d stopped recently or anything, he had used only a few hours earlier, so it wasn’t as though he was dope sick or anything? He ignored the voice in his head that told him it was the trauma getting to him, his body telling him that if he didn’t turn his brain off he was going to get inundated with pain and he wouldn’t be able to survive it. He sat down on a milk crate behind a skip and carefully took out his works, placing them on the tops of his thighs. He drew a bit of clean water from his bottle using the needle and squirted it into the spoon with the dose of heroin. He would usually use ascorbic acid to help it dissolve faster but skipped straight to cooking, he flicked on the lighter and held it under the spoon, stopping occasionally to mix it a little with the end of the needle, until it was liquid. He then dropped in the piece of cotton wool which absorbed the liquid into it allowing him to suck it up into the needle without any lumps. He was so fucking desperate for this shot that he decided to shoot in his elbow, not caring that it would leave an obvious bruise. As he felt the drug his bloodstream his mind slowed and calmed, he could hear his heartbeat in his ears, steady now. It sounded as if he was in the womb, warm, surrounded by a comforting liquid feeling, floating softly, unthinking and unworried. He let himself relax against the wall now, closing his eyes as his entire body slowed. Too slow….

His heart was skipping beats. His eyes shot open at the realisation. Oh shit.

_Shh this is our little secret_

_Don’t tell anyone about what we do or they will ship you off somewhere to a place where sick fucked up kids like you go._

Justin could see him… Rob… standing over him, that hard dick out, a grin peering out from below a wispy moustache, his black eyes staring down at him with an animalistic emptiness, his breath heavy.

“GET OFF ME!” Justin screamed, “get the fuck off me” he was crying hysterically as Rob laughed and kept moving, suffocating him with a huge meaty hand over the mouth, Justin could feel him all over him, smell him, taste him. He screaming with frenzied tears as he pushed and pushed for him to get off, finally he broke free and ran. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears as he ran, he couldn’t control his feet and kept swaying as he went, crashing into things… he didn’t know where the fuck he was or where he was going but he did know that someone was after him, there was a monster looming, gaining ground and he needed to run. Something was beeping, bright lights, everything white. Suddenly there is someone on him again, grabbing at his arms, _what the fuck are you doing in the road! Justin! What have you taken! _

He woke up the next morning in a hospital.

“Doctor!” Lainie shouted almost immediately when she saw his eyes flicker open.

“What happened” his voice was croaky and his mouth dry. Matt and Clay were in the room too he realised, then a doctor and some nurses.

“Hi Justin, how are you feeling?” the doctor said. Her hair was dark and pulled off her face, Justin tried to focus on her features but his eyes were pulling in and out of focus. He rubbed them tiredly.

“Uh… Not good” he said.

She nodded, “Do you remember over dosing last night?”

“Sort of”

“Do you remember when your friend found you in the street?” the doctor asked.

Justin tried to force his brain to remember seeing a friend last night… nothing.

“Tony found you” Clay filled in, “by accident. He called me and I told him to bring you here.”

Justin nodded but he didn’t remember any of that. Fuck. He was so fucked… it had only just occurred to him.

“Ok so Justin, your family has filled us in on your history and told us what preceded the event last night… we are aware that you are a heroin addict. Do you agree with that assessment?” she said in a matter of fact way, as if she had asked the same question a thousand times before.

Justin breathed out sharply, “yes” he whispered.

The doctor told them all that he needed to go into treatment asap. Lainie said that she had spoken to the Youth Addiction Centre last night and they had suggested an intensive out patient program because Justin had already missed so much school. The doctor suggested he be kept for a few more days to help him through the medical withdrawal before that.

When she left the room a heavy silence fell between the Jensen's and Justin. They wanted to say something, he knew it. 

"Clay told us what happened to you" Lainie said, her voice was soft, almost wavering, "we never had a chance to talk about it... when we came to your room to talk you were already gone... we" she choked on her words, stifling her emotions. Justin had no idea he had effected them so much. 

"We're so so sorry that happened to you" Matt said.

Justin shook his head, he couldn't stand to listen to them, why the fuck did they care so much? He was not fucking worth all this heart ache. He wondered if he should just kill himself and spare everyone... _no stop don't think like that_, he told himself, _that would only hurt them worse. _

"Look at me Justin" Matt said softly, "It was _not_ your fault. None of it" and at that Justin broke down properly, he cried out loudly and felt his face go hot and wet. Lainie stepped forward and held him as he shook against her and chewed out broken cries, it sounded so wounded and broken that Clay could feel his own tears welling up, he looked at both his parents and their eyes were glassy too. 

Looking around at the pained and pathetic sight of his family (_his family!) _like this, Justin realised only thing he could do to make everyone stop hurting was to try to get better. 

Justin spent the next few days shitting and vomiting all over himself, covered in sweat, his body twitching and legs kicking out involuntarily, his stomach cramping and his head pounding. He felt as though he was dying and screamed at them to help him, but instead they just strapped him to the bed.

A few days later they picked him up to take him over to the treatment centre. They all looked tired and stressed, especially Clay.

“You ready to go?” Lainie said softly, they were talking to him like he was a little kid. He nodded and shuffled out after them. In the car he leant his head against the window and silently watched everything go by. His brain felt disconnected from his body, as though he was some in some sort of waking sleep. Clay watched him quietly.

The treatment centre was sterile and drab but Justin barely noticed... he was in a fog, he could hear people talking around him, some of them were probably talking _to _him, but he couldn’t really comprehend any of it.

“Justin? Hey man come on you’re really freaking me out” Clay said, he grabbed Justins arm and tried to shake him out of it but Justin just snatched it away with a look of panic. Clay sighed. The doctor told them that Justin could do a sort of half out/half in patient program where he would go to school during the day and stay at the rehab at night and on the weekends, as long as someone from the family picked him up and dropped him off. Then when holidays came around he could either stay at home at night and spend the day in the rehab, or be a full time inpatient – depending on how he was going by then. Then after that he could spend just weekends there, then after that just come in for his meetings and doctors appointments. Justin thought it sounded more like a prison sentence.

“Well drugs are illegal remember?” Clay told him, “so… I mean,” he shrugged.

Going back to school while living in a rehab was the weirdest fucking feeling. Justin wondered if everyone knew, the way people looked at him was making him paranoid… did they know??

He had to check in with the school councillor and principle with his parents before going back to classes.

“So Justin we have spoken to the Jensens and your situation has been explained, so we have made a few changes to your schedule to make sure you have a friend in all your classes and that you and Clay have lunch at the same time. He has your schedule as well so he can come and get you for lunch and after school, okay?” the principle explained slowly. Justin nodded, he felt like such a fucking asshole, this was the most embarrassing shit of his life.

“And you will check in with me every day as well in the morning” Doctor Singh added.

He was surrounded by adults all staring down at him with those pitiful expressions, watching him, talking about him when he wasn’t there. He hated this.

But the worse was Jessica.

She came storming up to him in the hallway the second he left the office.

“You almost fucking died” she spat, “how could you do that!”

“I… I wasn’t thinking like that, I just dosed it wrong” he said.

“Oh right like no big deal!” she said with a harsh sarcasm on her tongue, “Tony told me he found you on the street, he said you were hallucinating and hysterical and were like freaking out about something and crying.”

Justin wiped his hand down his face, fuck well that’s a new low, “uh right, I don’t remember”

“What the fuck is going on with you?” Jessica whispered, but she already knew.

He looked at her silently for a moment, he wanted to say something but his brain was mush. He burst into tears, he had been feeling so fucking emotional, like he couldn’t regulate himself, it was all just under the surface ready to pop out. He looked around and noticed some people were looking at him and whispering. He pushed past Jess and ran for the bathroom.

“Justin! Wait!” she ran after him.

He ended up outside in a quiet spot under the fire stairs. He was hyperventilating, _oh shit shit shit fuck_

“Calm down” Jess was there now too, “Justin breathe, you’re okay, listen you’re here with me, you’re safe”

He slid down the wall he was leaning on until he was sitting on the floor. Jess sat down in front of him and rubbed circles on his palms.

_Fuck fuck fuck I can’t fucking breath, I’m going to die, jesus fucking fuck_

“I know, I know you think that but you’re okay, you’re not going to die, just breath, can you feel me touching your hands?”

He focused for a second. Could he feel it?

He looked down and saw her touching him and the world came into focus just a little more.

“Can you name three things you can see around you?” she asked, trying to pull his focus.

Like a child he answered, “stairs…. Uh you… a door”

“Yes good job!” she smiled, “can you tell me where you are?”

Justin hesitated for a moment, _why the fuck don’t I know that immediately? _

“Uh… school?”

Jessica nodded.

After a while reality started to filter back in and his breathing slowed back down to normal but he couldn't look at Jess. She had never seem him like that before... there is no way she would want to be with someone like him, especially after that display, after what he did that night, what he did on so many fucking nights. 

“Jesus” he muttered, “sorry… that was”

“Do not apologise, remember what we said?” she smiled.

“My shit is your shit?” he filled in.

“Yup. We share shit. Okay?”

“Okay”

TBC


End file.
